Mountain Mover - Dopamine [EP]

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    You say you understand

    The feeling of feeling nothing

    Dear friend, I know you do


    I know you've felt this before

    Every time I leave flowers at your door

    The emptiness behind the wooden frame

    It's all empty, it’s all the same

    In this line, the flowers are used as a metaphor for the love given, and the wooden frame (the door) being a symbol for those feelings being left unrequited.

    Your eyes glare back at me

    An emptiness matched only by myself

    Why are we here?

    Why are we broken?

    Like a bone that's healed crooked


    So level me along the dirt

    Sink me down and let me drown

    In a grave that's made out of my mind

    I always knew I would be left behind


    I have written my eulogy

    Parade my body in the isle

    Of an empty church

    Remember me

    For who I was

    Not for who I was made to be

    With lack of dopamine

    With lack of dopamine

    Struggling with depression, you often involuntarily become someone else, or a different version of yourself. This line is asking whoever it may concern to remember me as the person I truly am, without the chemical imbalance, not the person I am when these chemicals are missing.

    Who I was made to be

    With lack of dopamine


    You said you understood

    But the feeling of feeling nothing

    Persevered as we both shook

    Oh my god, this can't be real

    This isn't really happening


    Now I know you've felt this before

    You feel it now as the flowers rot at your door

    The emptiness behind the wooden frame

    It's always empty

    It's always the same

    -

    The lyrics for Dopamine are about loss of love, more specifically about the involuntary loss of love through depression. The love could be both romantic and platonic, depression has no mercy. Feeling emotionally numb but knowing that you truly do feel something deep down is a feeling I struggle with so often, that’s why I wrote these words.

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    God I fucking prayed but my hands still shook

    And since you’ve left I’ve slipped away

    To a place that haunts me every day

    And misery has worn me thin

    Please forgive the state I’m in

    Please share

    Share your sunshine with me

    Bask me in the light of happiness

    Let it burn me

    Let it fucking kill me

    Drawing shallow breaths

    And I fade away

    I don’t think I’ll ever leave this place

    The cousin of death is a stranger to me

    And I fade away

    Again, a reference to Dissipate:


    And I felt myself fade again

    I hope one day I’ll leave this place

    God, is this deja vu?

    Because I see you in everything I do

    A reflection of misery

    I’m wearing thin

    Please forgive the state that I’m in


    Every day that I wake

    Is more than I can face

    The sunshine seeps in between the blinds

    But the rays never touch me

    The warmth avoids me

    Like a curse rests upon me


    I’m feeling sick

    With every word you say


    I’ll choke on the smoke

    From dreams of fire that felt like you

    Please set me free

    And say no more

    I’m sick of existing

    And feeling numb

    This is a reference to our song “Sympathy”:

    I dreamt of fire tonight, it felt like you

    --

    The lyrics for Deja Vu are almost a direct sequel to two of our previous songs, Dissipate and partially Sympathy.

    Dissipate was, in a way, a song of hope for me, a plea to someone to not leave while I’m struggling with myself.
    In Deja Vu, this someone is no longer in my life and I slowly lose control over my situation, not wanting to exist in the process.

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    Seven days is all we had left

    You’re a ghost in our bed

    Having a timestamp on something ending is probably one of the most difficult things that I’ve gone through, each day counting down to the dreaded last day, when it all disappears, and the other person knows it too, and becomes almost ghost-like towards you.

    And I forget

    Every word you said

    It's so hard to feel

    Alive when I mourn every morning I wake


    And I still lose myself in you


    I understand how it must look to you

    When the dotwork of my blood

    On my face comes into view

    Vessels cracking under the pressure from me

    Wailing at the walls

    Since middle school, I’ve suffered from really bad panic attacks, during some of these, I would scream so hard from the mental pain that the strain would pop vessels in my face, creating visible red dots all over my face.

    If saying it makes it real

    Then why am I still here?

    Nail marks on my palms

    Like stigmatas of my own creation

    As much I reference the christian gospel, I am in no way, shape or form a believer. But in this case, the stigmatas are being used as a way of describing the deep marks that are created when digging your nails deep into your palms as a form of self-punishment.

    Let me swim in your head

    Just enough to lose mine

    It’s hard to lose myself in you


    And still, I lose myself in you

    And still, I lose myself in you

    --

    “A deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.”

    Saudade was written about putting a timestamp on love, and knowing that soon, it will expire and whither away, never to come back again.

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